sleepless nights.

insomia.

misery.

just another of those sleepless nights.

yes. something is bothering me. badly.

very much, i want to let go. easily said than done.

remembered i said that i aspire to be an emo kid. i guess ive done that.

people dont believe that someone like me will never face and experience misery.
silly fellows.

well,

i haven spoken to this friend of mine for almost a year.
intially, he couldnt recognize me from my dp.
when i told him who i was, this what he said;

"hey, you're all grown up. seventeen already. so pretty now. remembered that you have always been a pretty girl."

and that night during staff party,

one of my manager was telling the other staffs;

"ruby's one of my best servers. she provides excellent service, she's beautiful, smart, . . . . . . . ."

i know these are compliments, flattering ones in fact.
but something is wrong.
i'm not pretty or good looking, not even average looking.
neither am i smart.

i really do not know how to accept and thank people for their compliments cause i have always led my life as a stupid and ugly duckling. my hopes of ever becoming a swan were diminished a long time ago.
ive accepted my fate,
as a fat, stupid and ugly duckling.

when i compare myself to those girls, i know they have defeated me in all aspects. when i say all aspects, i mean ALL aspects.

seriously, i've never been good in anything that's positive and beneficial to others.

unlike my friends,
take mil, zi and tiff for example;

mil's really musically talented. listening to her sing soothes your soul.

zi's great with words and she can really read people like a book and with that she offers awesome advices to people that helps them to solve their problems.

tiff is a great listening ear. she's always so forgiving and full of love. everybody loves her.

i really dont wish to bother and bored them with the ruby's-same-old-problems.
you may say that
this is what friends are for.
yes.
that's me to my friends.
i want to hear them out.
listen to their problems and share their burdens.

but i dont want my friends to do that for me.
esp my close friends.
i dont wish to trouble them.

i cant stand it when someone treats me nice or do something real sweet for me.
pls dont.
it drives me crazy as i dont know how to respond to your kindness.

life does not suck.

the problem lies with me.

i'll never be good enough for
my family,
my friends
and even him.

maybe to the extend that i will never

be good enough for myself.